Okay, I sat here and tried to decide if I was going to post this. I wrote this out of heartache and sadness – I haven’t gone through and edited it in any way.. this is just raw emotion that came through when it happened. I’m going to post it because it is a part of my life and it did happen and I was (and am) upset about it. It’s not finished, nor will I finish it. I’m not sure I can finish the post. It’s really interesting me to see this after not looking at it for a week and a half. I cannot tell you what it feels like to a lose a parent, even one that you’re not close with. It’s a lot like feeling alone – because despite the circumstances concerning the relationship, they’re still biologically your parents and when they die, you really have no one else on the planet that can replace them.
July has been a crazy month for me and definitely not in the ways I had expected. I’ll be back with more posts as I’m slowly getting back into the groove of things around here. I have 3 other personal websites that I manage as well as the ones I manage for work. It’s been a balancing act and I think that I’m finally getting the hang of it. Love you guys and see y’all soon!
I’m not really sure where to start this post. I’m sad. I cried a lot today. My biological father passed away Thursday night. I was told today. He went into cardiac arrest and they weren’t able to revive him, from what I understand. I’m still waiting on the autopsy to find out for sure what the cause of death was. I apologize if this post is a little all over the place — Well, it will be all over the place — but hopefully it’ll make some sort of sense. At the very least it’ll make me feel better.
One thing that I can tell you with out a doubt in my mind is that he loved me and my sister. He did. I know this. And when he found out that I had had children, he loved them immensely. I didn’t know him as well as I should have. I couldn’t tell you his favorite food or his favorite color. But what I can tell you is what I remember about him from when I was growing up.
He gave me my ferret, Puddles.
One time when we were visiting, he took us out to eat and we were playing the license plate game because we were right next to a window and we talked about how carrots were good for your eyes.
He always had a mustache. Always. It was weird when he’d shave it off.
He was a die-hard Raiders fan.
When I was really little, he’d take us to a relatives house that had a big dog that was big enough that I could ride him.
And right now I feel so horrible for not returning the phone calls. And not overlooking his faults. And losing touch with him.
He was an alcoholic. He was sober when we did get back into contact with each other. Then he relapsed and I’m guessing he felt ashamed and felt the need to hide it from me, because he lied to me. I’d always rather have the truth than a lie. And that’s when we lost contact again, except for on Facebook. I was never really close with that side of the family and so they had to find me on facebook and tell me via messenger. That was sad to me, too.
Then, I learned that they’re donating his body to the medical school and he won’t be buried or have any kind of service done. I can’t handle the thought of him being studied by med students. I don’t feel like I get any closure and that is probably really selfish of me to think that way. I’ve been told that that is what he wanted… so people can learn what long-term alcohol abuse does to your body. That he didn’t want any service, or funeral. I understand respecting someone’s wishes after they’ve died, I do. But, I’m human and I’m selfish and I want him to be buried and have a funeral.